Real with Rue

Recently, a male friend asked me, “What does an ordinary day with your future husband look like?” This made me think: What does love look like to me? Beneath my tough exterior and my very strict ways of dating, anyone close to me will tell you, I am deeply romantic. Faith aside, I love love. I love the concept of love; I love the very idea and nature of what love is in its simplest form: choice. Over the years, in my previous relationships, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that the difference between a couple that has been together for fifty years and one that got divorced is choice. This is not meant to shame divorced people, because I am both a lover and a leaver, but it’s about choosing to change and be better for your partner. Rarely do people just randomly fall out of love; rather, a series of failed communication attempts and a lack of behaviour change are often linked to the choice not to change for the better of your partner. In fact, it took me one month to heal from the heartbreak of my last relationship because I had given him enough chances to make changes on certain areas, which he was capable to doing.

Choice, by definition, is the act of selecting between two or more possibilities, and love is exactly that. Let me explain why: When I meet couples, I love (and I mean love) asking how they met. You see, each story is different, and for me, what I learned in each story is that you make a choice to message someone. You make a choice whether to answer their text, or whether to make plans. You make a choice to love.

I love a love that yearns, a love that is loud and shameless, and in all honesty, apart from Jesus, I haven’t experienced that in total human form from the opposite gender. I think the people around me consider me picky because I’m looking for a needle in a haystack. However, I don’t see the point in loving someone if I can’t fully give myself wholeheartedly. Recently, someone told me something that further changed my outlook, and I’m trying to implement it: “You cannot mitigate against heartbreak.” And when you think about it, it’s true. I’ve dated people with the title of girlfriend and without, and in both cases, they ended up hurt in some capacity or another. So if I’m going to love, why love halfway when love is such an all-consuming flame? After all, you only get to experience this earth once.

How I hope to be loved by my husband is through the daily choice of him considering me, because even when you don’t want to, you choose to do it. I am very strict with myself when it comes to love because if I can exist with such a strong yearning for love, then God will not fail me in providing it. In some cases, I’ve already seen glimpses of it. I am the true definition of “If you wanted to, you would,” because normally, if I love you, I choose to inconvenience myself for you. So why would I stay with someone who wouldn’t mutually reciprocate?

I believe this is why cheating or having an affair is so difficult for me to comprehend—because you make too many choices before the final act. Now, if I consider my faith, God chose to give us Jesus to die for our sins. God chose you and me out of love. In fact, others even believe in the elect. God chose the unfaithful children of Israel, and God chose to use certain people despite their weaknesses. Even when you give your life to Christ, you can only do so if you choose to follow Jesus. You must be at an age where you have comprehension of the decision you’re making. Even so, after you give your life to Christ you are not a slave to sin, but you can overcome and have the power to make a conscious effort to stay away from it (because you love Jesus). I believe there is so much power in choice, especially when it comes to love.

I agree that you can fall in and out of love, but you choose to fall in love again. Recently, I’ve struggled to find the time to pray, and I thought, “But instead of choosing to pray, I’m scrolling on TikTok for one hour a day?” Now, even though I’m being honest, I have zero energy from law school exams and don’t feel like it because I’ve fallen out of routine, I am choosing to pray every two hours with an alarm. What choice does is to create a mindset shift? And yes, you may think this is unromantic, but I think choosing to love someone every day, despite the little things you may not like, is love. Humans are so fickle, and I never want to be loved because someone is told to love me. I want to be loved because someone makes an active choice to *cue the Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy meme* “Choose me, pick me.” Therefore, if I don’t find this in a man, I know I have found it in my friends, family, and, above all, in Jesus.

It’s been real,

Rue

ps: welcome to my short series on love and dating –