Real with Rue

When you think of people who are meant to reflect God, as someone who grew up in the church, I always knew that the church wasn’t perfect. Naturally, when I got to university, I found what I thought was an amazing church, full of young people on fire for God that helped me understand the ‘why’ of this ‘Jesus thing.’ I had been warned by my family members about the church, and my eyes were still open to certain things; but regardless, they were on fire for God.

It so happened that when I had friends within this church, ‘high standing,’ I suppose that’s the term you can use—I’m not sure how they judged if someone in university was ready to be a pastor, but many are called, I guess. This is not me slandering them; it’s questions I look back and ask because now I understand why they say ‘Jesus grew in stature and wisdom.’ With age comes experience. You see, in this church, I was deeply, hurt by someone, and after I told the pastor, he didn’t seem to care. In fact, the person was not even told that what he did was wrong. My anger continued to boil, and I started to pray for God to burn that church down, considering what I had experienced had echoed a lot of the other girls’ experiences.

The real effect of church hurt is the confusion you get, as this was my safe space. Church, for me, is where I can be free because freedom to me is in Christ. When that was violated, the anger was displaced, and it was directed towards God. I left that church with questions about the so-called loving father. If you are the God of love, why do your people do that? If you are the God that says you will watch over me, why did you allow that to happen? In my anger and hurt, I felt completely lost, especially as I had now lost my ‘friends.’

What I love about Jesus is that he met me in my brokenness and anger; he didn’t force me to ‘get over it.’ In fact, it was just me and him in the secret place until I realized I couldn’t grow without community. The church is Jesus. We are Christians; we aren’t gang members, and I intentionally went on a new church hunt, still with hurt and pain, but choosing to move forward.

That’s the thing—the church isn’t a building; it’s us, but God’s people aren’t God, and they are prone to offend you. Although you need community, the first time God, who is so good, looked at something and said it was not good was when Adam was alone in the garden. You see, the devil loves your anger to fester and for you to be separated from his people, but I refuse to fuel the enemy’s plan.

A year later, I knew if I was going to take this ‘Jesus thing’ seriously, I couldn’t do it alone. And now, I want to say that I found a home in my (new-ish) church. No, they are not perfect. Yes, I’ve been offended. But you know what? It shaped me to let go of offense quickly. Church hurt is not a choice, but choosing to stay angry and hurt will only hold you back. Just to be clear, I’m still healing from that church’s effects on me, even years later. I am still unlearning a lot, particularly striving in Christ and placing my worth in how many souls I bring to church, but through Christ, I live in freedom from that hurt.

It’s been real,

Rue