Real with Rue

I still recall the day of my baptism, it was a simple event, but to me when I stood up and explained why I was doing it, it was overwhelming tears just poured down. I can’t describe it, but I felt Gods presence surrounding me. I knew this journey would be hard, but FLIP, I don’t know if I was ready for everything I had to battle, along the way. Currently, I’m going to be honest and say I’m being tested on my faith and just like A-level Biology, I am struggling.

It’s weird to say I’m ‘struggling,’ not necessarily being a christian but believing God’s promises over my own life. The instagram quotes are all nice, but the reality is when you fell stuck, hopeless and this sense of repetition in life, it’s hard. The annoying part is, this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve faced in my life, but the spiritually exhaustion is higher than current fuel prices.

I be in my bible fighting for my life..

Another thing I’m fighting right now, is the balance between being in the world and not off it. I have this constant internal battle with myself which I have to overcome in the sense of I want to experience the things of the world. But at the same time as a christian, you know how temporary those feelings are and its not worth it in all honesty.

Despite this, I need and enjoy the consistency of having faith in God, I get anxiety over the unknown, but what I love about my faith is I know where I stand with God and I need that. Sometimes, my flesh tells me, ‘does God really care for you if you’re feeling like this?.’ I know one thing and God has truly been there for my lowest of lows. I just need God to meet me where I am (I know he will), because I am currently doing the ‘christian walk’ out of routine, just got wait I guess.

Missing the mark

I almost feel guilty, because I know and believe everything God has done for me and it’s almost selfish of me to doubt, but I guess thats why he only asks for mustard seed faith. One thing that needs to be established is I will never leave my faith, but I still have my flesh and it is an over thinker. At the moment, I’m focusing on the basics, prayer and Bible reading and (forcing my brain to have) childlike faith.

I think anyone from a background of faith feels pressure to be a model, but I have to remind myself that I am living life to please God by following his word. I know, that is something that no matter how much people argue, will never change. I know it’s not God’s fault the way I’m feeling and I am actively working to be ‘back to normal,’ but right now I’m not there.

Its been real,

Rue.

ps: this post really goes out to my dad, who shows me everyday that you can never go wrong walking with God. Also my christian friends who I can call and they just understand without the judgement.