Real with Rue

*Disclaimer* Firstly, I want to give a trigger warning for anyone, who has experienced any form of sexual assault.

Crossing the line…..

I think this is one topic I was hoping I could avoid, but sometimes being silent is the real issue. I have not planned what I’m going to say and it’s just a free flow from here.

I think the best place to start is defining sexual assault and rape. Sexual Assault is when a person is coerced/physically forced to engage against their will, or when a person, male or female, touches another person sexually without their consent. Rape is the intentional penetration of mouth, anus, or vagina. It is hard to believe, but many people have experienced sexual assault, knowingly or unknowingly. 

The issue with sexual assault is many people imagine a woman walking at night, in a dark alleyway, then suddenly getting attacked by a man with a balaclava on. They imagine screaming and bruises all over a women’s body. This is rarely the case. Firstly, men and women can both be sexually assaulted/raped.  Secondly, Most sexual assault and rape happen from people we know, which is why it’s often difficult for the survivor to come forward. I remember listening to a podcast and they said ‘Isn’t it interesting when they interview neighbours of serial killers and they thought he was just a nice friendly neighbour’. Same thing with rapists, there is no ‘rapist’ look.

The issue is when we open up arguments to sexual assault, such as ‘But he’s a nice guy’ ‘Are you sure you’re not adding..’, it makes it harder for a victim’s healing process. The same way in which you shouldn’t ‘but why was the black guy…’ in a situation with the police, is the same way you shouldn’t  ‘But why were you giving any signs that…’. Ultimately, it is never the victim’s fault, the blame lies in the hands of the abuser.

Many sexual assault victims don’t realise they are victims, until months or even years later. The idea that you were violated most extreme way can often be hard to grasp! Sometimes, this why when you keep manipulating someone into having sex and they give in whilst they can agree, in a plea to stop the other person. The idea of being convinced into sex is better than rape, in people’s mind, but the effects are both still harmful. 

The worst part is when your body converts the emotional trauma into a physical response, such as panic and anxiety attacks. The one thing to remember is that every reaction is justified, there is no right way to respond to sexual assault. It can take a long time for someone to cope with what has happened, therefore when someone comes out with their story be slow to speak. The best thing you can do is listen, not throw ‘But what about the liars..’, as more than often they doubt their own experience as a coping mechanism.

Consent is EVERYTHING!

No one is entitled to anyone’s body, whether it is within a marriage or not. We all should have autonomy over our bodies, which includes the consent of what happens to your body. Consent is a simple yes or no, an exchange of a question and reply. I believe that if you can get naked in front of a person, you can ask if they are ok with everything that is happening. A simple question can be the difference between a moment of pleasure and a lifetime of trauma. If you still don’t understand consent, this video below which puts it simply, in the most English way possible. 

its been real,

Rue x

Ps:For those out there dealing with sexual assault, be Kind to yourself.

Links for Support (Men and Women). 

• Solace Rape Crisis
  https://www.solacewomensaid.org/solace-rape-crisis
  
• London Survivors Gateway
  https://survivorsgateway.london/
• The Havens
  https://www.thehavens.org.uk/
  
• Home – NIA | Ending Violence Against Women and Girls
  https://niaendingviolence.org.uk/
• Safeline  – https://www.safeline.org.uk/what-we-do/men/
• consent video – http://www.consentiseverything.com/